Holiday thoughts of you

Dear Blog readers, 

You are not alone. 

You are worthy and deserving. 

You are enough. 

You are SO enough. 

Remember to nourish your body, mind and spirit. 

Your Blog Moderator, 

Kira

Eating Disorder Recovery Over the Holidays

Holidays. Pretty lights all around. Familiar sights and smells. Family. 

Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, its there. In your face. All the time. Every store. Every advertisement. You can’t escape it. For some it is a beautiful time of year. For others it is the epitome of hell. 

Whatever you celebrate throughout the year, I’m sure you can relate to family gatherings, work parties, and getting together with friends. 

It is joyous and exhausting. It is full of expectations and obligations. Warmth and love. Stress and anxiety. All wrapped up with a big bow made of good and bad memories. 

I reached out to the community and asked for some strategies to stay safe, well, and on track this season. 

Here are some of their ideas:

“I made myself a small soothing package that I keep in my purse. It has a fidget toy, a special tiny stone I can hold without being noticed, and a fragrance I can sniff when I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.” 

“I carry a self-care kit with me wherever I go. Then all my things that calm me are in one place.”

“I wear a bracelet my Gramma gave me when I was 16. When I put it on I feel safe.”

“There’s a couple of good friends who understand me. We text each other when we need support.”

“I’m a terrible liar. Like really bad. So I drink as many beverages as I possibly can. Especially with caffeine. Then I can honestly excuse myself to go to the bathroom multiple times without having to lie!”

“Using my dog as an excuse to leave early is awesome. He needs to be walked so I have a limited amount of time to give.”

“Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Set them. Keep them. Allow them to make you safe.”

“If you need to leave then leave. Who’s going to stop you? Go outside for a few minutes. Go for a walk. Offer to go on a coffee run. Your well-being matters more than anything else.”

“Bring a buffer. Bring a person who can run interference. If you have a family member you trust, tell them your triggers and ask them to prepare to change the subject if needed.”

“Offer to take the small children into another room to take care of them. Then you’re awesome and no one knows it’s your way of bailing.”

“Don’t go? Just joking. I go prepared with broken record phrases like:

• I’m not comfortable talking about that 
• Enough about me, how are things with YOU?
• Hold that thought, I’ll be right back”

“Stick to your routine. Plan ahead. But also be flexible. Participating in something you enjoy for one day, or even at each gathering, doesn’t mean you aren’t in recovery. The work is not letting guilt and shame crush you for doing what everyone else is doing. Its okay to celebrate sometimes you know.”

“If you’ve participated in more than you had planned or in more than feels comfortable, do not change your routine to overcompensate. Our brains lie to us. The rest of the world goes oh no I can’t believe I did that and minutes later move on. Tell your brain to shut up and get right back to your routine.”

“Food has no moral value.”

I think it is important to remember that the holidays are meant to be joyful. They are meant to make you feel loved, welcomed, and that you belong. Your ED will tell you that you are unworthy and unloveable. It is lying. Its a liar. Tell that thought “I  hear you but I know I’m enough”.  Surround yourself with people and experiences that bring you joy. If family obligations do not offer you that, make a point of finding that in the next few days. 

Above all else, remind yourself that:

• you are not your eating disorder 
• Recovery is not linear 
• Every moment is an opportunity to stop and reset
• You are worth recovery so reset and keep going

Take care of yourself, and remember to nourish your mind, body, and spirit. 

- Kira 

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Baby its cold outside #MeToo

One of the most frustrating things about my Dad when I was a kid was when I didn’t listen and he would ask “What does no mean?” It was a simple, and simply complicated question then, and continues to be now. 

There is only one answer to “what does no mean?” and in the moment it is being asked all you want to do is yell “YES” and get your way. 

Boundaries and the ability to follow them and enforce them is learned in childhood. If a child is told no and then gets what they want, they don’t learn the meaning of the word no. If a child who is being tickled says no or stop, and the tickling continues, they don’t learn the meaning of the word no. 

Recently, the term “#MeToo era” has popped up. The troublesome part of this term is the idea that we are in a time period where consent and sexual assault are being frowned upon. As if knowledge of sexual assault is a blip in time and we will go back to harassment, abuse, and rape being the unspoken normal. #MeToo isn’t a fad. It is a global connection among women and a way of saying to each other, I know how you feel, while saying to the world NO MEANS NO. 

The song “Baby Its Cold Outside.” has been removed from the playlists of multiple radio stations. My immediate thought when I heard about it was “its about time.” Not because I was waiting for the day it disappeared from the airwaves, but because I’ve never understood why it was considered romantic. 

Jessica Goddard, a self proclaimed “opinionated millennial” wrote a piece for CBC news in which she argues how ridiculous it is to pull an historical song when we could be using it to start conversations about consent and furthermore that consent is complicated and the song is not reminiscent of sexual pressure. 

“Critics cite the song as inappropriate in the "#MeToo era," where we have come to understand what it means to be a woman in a subordinate position, sexually harassed by a man in a position of power. Yet lyrics in the song such as "Been hoping that you'd drop in" and "How lucky that you dropped in" make it sound a lot like the female character in the song has come over unannounced, surprising the man in his home. She flirtatiously threatens to leave, while accepting excuses to stay. How this is an example of #MeToo, I can't quite connect.“ - Jessica Goddard, CBC

The suggestion that sexual harassment or the pressure put on another person to have sex is not merely “inappropriate”, it is illegal, immoral, and the biggest violation one can commit. 

Ms. Gorddard claims that “[...] the track is being pulled, sending the message that the intention of the song doesn't matter, nor does the context in which it was written. After all, nothing says "happy holidays" like the death of nuance and frantic institutional overreaction.” To which I reply, nothing says “we don’t believe you” like being upset that stations have banned a song about a woman being pressured into sex. 

In a time when girls and woman around the world are being sold into sexual slavery, raped, forced to be child brides ... and here in my own city elementary students are learning that to be liked is to be sexually available. More and more documentaries are being made about how sex is used to control women and how sex is a commodity that both satisfies men and fills their pockets with money - Documentaries that explore global sex trafficking, amateur porn, and wild parties like during spring break where forced sex is the only purpose. 

Consent IS complicated in that it is an ongoing negotiation. One cannot give consent once and be expected to leave that consent open forever. I might be willing to pick up your mail and water your plants while you’re away for a few weeks but not while you’re away for a few months. Or maybe I am available this year but say no next year. Consent is the permission to engage in a mutually negotiated and understood transaction, so to speak. 

In the song “Baby its Cold Outside”, one voice expresses the desire not to spend the night with the other voice. Ms. Goddard argues that voice one showed up unexpectedly and flirts with voice 2, giving voice 2 the message than no means yes. Is this not the epitome of #MeToo? Is this not the common experience being shared by this movement? Perhaps Ms Goddard herself never learned the meaning of the word no. Perhaps she has never been pressured to do something she really didn’t want to do. Or perhaps she is living in the “era” where we allow children to consume unfiltered internet content, sexualized girls in the media, and online conversations with strangers; a world where you can instantly access sex in media format or in real life through online sex apps. 

There is nothing wrong about sex.

Consensual sex between two adults, regardless of the type of sex being had, is always okay and is also a biological imperative. One person convincing another to have sex when they are expressing doubt is not flirtatious as suggested by Ms Goddard. It is in fact exactly the purpose of the #MeToo era, and the We Give Consent movement which is to bring awareness to the fact that no means no. 

Period. 

....