Radically Accepting YOUrself

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: choose to radically accept who you are. 

I have been thinking lately about what it means to "be yourself". We tell that to children all the time. Don't follow the crowd, be who you are, you are special, you are unique, you are the only you there is. 

I watch my students try on different styles and different identities as they explore who they are. A slight change in hair style, experimenting with make-up, letting your pants ride slightly below the waist (not too far because inevitably I will say "gah! Pull up your pants!!!!"), new shoes, new interests. 

Then we grow up and we have discovered our identities and our styles and we are adults. 

Adults who know who we are. 

Seriously? I don't know who the hell I am half the time. Am I artist, partner, friend, writer, teacher, activist, shy, extrovert, mean, grumpy, rude, kind? I don't know. Gimme 5 minutes and I'll tell you who I am today. 

Okay it's not really like that for me. But I watch adults struggle with identity in exactly the same way as my 12 year olds. 

See? That goes back to my theory that we don't actually mature past 12!!!

There are people in this world who do accept that their identity and expression of identity and do not conform to current societal standards. We live in a country where "our strength is in our diversity" (I read that somewhere but don't know who to credit it to). And yet we judge the crap out of each other CONSTANTLY!!!! 

From women who wear to little to women who wear to much. From men who dress in socially understood women's clothes, to men who dress like they belong to a biker gang. From people whose gender is either trans or non-binary. Or people whose sexual identities don't fit the binary gay/straight. Tattoos, piercings, the clothes we choose, the places we go. These are all expressions of who we are. Then there is our physical appearance, our shape and our size that we really have little control of. AND ALL OF IT IS JUDGED! 

This leads us to self-judgement. 

Today, I encourage you to accept a part of yourself that either you judge or that is judged by others.

Or a part of you that you can't change about yourself.

I want you to take a moment today. As little as 30 seconds. And tell that part "I love and accept you as you are." Because as a 12 year old told me last week "I am the only me there is because it's in my DNA, my finger prints, even my face and hair. It's all me and no one else can have those things." 

Be kind,

To yourself too,

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

#bopo #bodypositive #mindfulness #selfcare #selfcompassion #notachoice #FoxTalesArtMindfullyMendingMarch  #edawareness #edadvocate #ed #eatingdisorder #edrecovery #recovery #bopo #art #artist #torontoart #torontoartist 

You don't have to do all the things

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: give yourself permission to say no. 

You don't have to do all the things all the time. Sometimes it's too much. I have had a very difficult couple of days. Today I am giving myself permission to not write anything more than this. 

be present

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: take 5 minutes today to be present. 

What does it mean to you to "be present"? 

There are so many things that we do on autopilot. I think it's terrifying that I can pull my car into my driveway and have no memory of the last 5 minutes of the drive. 

I think for me, being present means paying attention. Not just paying attention to what is happening around you, but also paying attention to yourself. What are you doing? What are your senses taking in? How is it making you feel? Is it a pleasurable activity? Does it bring anything up for you? 

Being present for yourself can be a challenge. Paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, reactions, actions ... it takes practice. 

I think being present with, and present for others is equally important. Real intimacy can't happen if all of you are not present. 

I can't tell you how many times I'm listening to a kid tell a story and I'm not actually paying attention at all. I smile, nod, say "oh?", and give a half-hearted listen. The only thing longer than a kid's story is .... actually, there isn't anything longer. I often keep doing what I'm doing; marking, planning, organizing, cleaning ... 

In order to be present with a child, I need to stop what I'm doing, look them in the eye, and really listen. Maybe the story will go on for 5 minutes, with unnecessary details and really no point. At all. And to that child, having my undivided attention for 5 minutes makes them feel heard. It makes them feel like they matter. 

For me, being present means being aware of yourself, of your surrounds, and of the people you are interacting with. 

Be kind,

To yourself too

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

Self care and accepting mediocrity

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: fit in time today for some self-care.

Okay so this whole "self-care" thing throws me off sometimes. As I wrote a few days ago, we live in this weird society where independence and a go go go attitude run our lives. Work, chores, family obligations, errands, being a taxi, and in my case right now, unpacking. AND there's the feeling of having to do all of it on your own.

I hear "self-care" all the time and think, well when am I supposed to fit that in? And furthermore, what the hell does it even mean?!?!?!?!?

For a long time, I pictured self-care as having to be something like taking a bath.

I. Hate. Baths.

Even with bubbles and music and candles or a good book. So I ignored the idea. I mean, you sit in a tub full of water that gets luke warm and you just sit there. It's so boring.

I have come to understand that "self-care" means different things to different people. It all depends on what makes you feel good. For some people, it IS a bath. For others it might be reading a book, making a cup of tea, painting your nails, watching funny TV shows, watching your favourite movie, going for a walk, going to the gym, swimming, singing, playing an instrument, drawing, painting, writing, visiting a friend, or even having a nap.

Many self-care activities can take as little as 10 minutes.

If you think about all the things you do in a day, I bet you can find 10 minutes to do something that makes you feel good.

For me, today I am allowing myself to be unhappy with this post and post it anyway!

Be kind,
To yourself too
xo



*All images are property of Fox Tales Art
**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at
www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

Listen for your inner child ...

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: ask yourself what your inner child wants you to do. 

Do you ever have moments where you really want to do something and know you shouldn't and you do it anyway? Or moments when you DO NOT want to do something and do it anyway? Or you just can't decide which to do because there's this little voice inside of you saying it wants something or that it doesn't want something? 

I think that's our inner child telling us what it wants and needs ... telling us what WE want and need. 

Babies aren't born knowing much about needs. They learn if they cry something will happen; Some sort of substance will fill their belly, or the gooey discomfort in their nether regions will get cleaned, or the temperature will get adjusted ... they don't necessarily know what it IS that they need at the moment, they just know they need something to feel better. So they learn to make noise. 

They start to figure out what feels good and what doesn't. Sometimes, they just need the comfort of a cuddle. 

Then we grow these complicated wants and needs and we grow them in these bodies that shoot out in all directions and get too long and leggy and too heavy to be picked up and held by our caregivers. Don't even get me started on the whole part about having to provide your own food and actually prepare it, eat it, and clean up after. 

And we get to be all grown-up with our own busy and complicated lives, our complicated wants/needs/desires, maybe with our own tiny loud humans to care for, and our own inner child who is constantly reminding us of what IT needs. Except we are too busy with the part where it got complicated that we forgot the basics. 

The Basics 101:

• when you get hungry, eat 
• When you get tired, rest
• When you feel an emotion, express it
• When you need comfort, ASK FOR IT

When did life become so complicated that it takes a tiny little voice in your head to say "PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW PLEASE!" ?

So how do you listen to your inner child? I've got at least 73 of them yelling at me at one point or another. There is so much emphasis on doing things. On getting things done. On being social. Staying home. Going out. Working. Working hard. Getting ahead. 

Getting ahead of what? Of yourself? Who are you in competition with? 

When I've got all these bossy thoughts rolling around and none of them feel right, I listen for the voice that is the quietest. Sometimes she isn't even speaking. Sometimes that silence says more about what I need than the voice of a bossy 7 year old with a new Barbie Horse ... I may have just dated myself, but did you ever own a Barbie Horse? Me either. Man did I ever want one. And the kids who had them? Let me tell you ... they were the bossiest 7 year olds I ever knew. 

If I can filter out the noise, then I can get past the wants. 

• Yes I want to go out drinking with friends 
• Yes I want to stay out late 
• Yes I want to be the life of the party 
• Yes I know I hate all my clothes but that means we can go buy new clothes!
• Yes I know we are on a budget and now I want to spend money on an outfit, AND going out, AND drinking. 
• Yes I know this work needs to get done so let's do it and then go out!

.... pause .... listen past all those wants ......  there's a voice there that isn't speaking. It's as if all the bossy kids filled with wants have sent her to the corner because all she has are needs. 

She's the tiny baby who has needs and learned how to make noise to get those needs met. But then all the wants took over and got louder and more complicated and that tiny baby grew bigger but got overshadowed by all the things. 

It's 2am the first night in our new place. I guess it's the first morning, technically. I can't find a comfortable position. I have worked far too hard in the last few days. My inner bosses have been telling me to go-go-go. They've been saying that it's only a few days, and we WANT to be packed on time. We WANT to get settled. We WANT to set up the bookshelves. We WANT to be unpacked now please. We can suck it up and live with the pain because I want the end results. 

It really and truly doesn't work that way. It's not the kind of pain you can push-through. It's not the kind of pain you can tell yourself is only temporary so just keep going. Fibromyalgia pain is wide-spread and relentless. And the more you push, the more it pushes back. Only it's like a REAL horse that kicks you a bunch of times and then sits on your back for a month. 

I've been listening to those bossy little 7 year olds with their Barbie Horses again. Because those little kids didn't learn to take care of their own needs. 

After laying in bed for hours, waking up repeatedly from one bad dream to the next ... I tried to listen ... those plastic horse-owning kids wanted chocolate chip cookies, and a glass of water, and a different pillow, and a different room, my old room. MY room with MY walls and MY ceiling. And my old stairs ("Old" as in where I lived when I woke up today). 

So I metaphorically gave all those kids their plastic horses and told them to go play. Then I listened for the voice that doesn't talk. What does SHE need. In this case, it was to move to the couch (which is now in the next room and not 3 floors down from my bedroom), curl up with my special scarf, and write a blog post in my new living room. I think a cup of something hot would have helped too, but I haven't found the box with the teapot, or tea, or hot chocolate, or mugs ... 

Figuring out what you need is a never ending battle between what you think you are supposed to do and what you know you can't do. 

Having fibromyalgia means KNOWING that a few days of this kind of non-stop physical, mental, and emotional labour are going to affect my body for weeks. But it also comes with these steaming hot piles of guilt and shame; guilt that CC is doing more than her share of the work, and shame that I live in a body that can't keep up. 

So here I am at 2am asking myself what my needs are, and guessing that if that quiet little girl without a plastic horse had a voice, she would probably tell me to take some deep breaths, hug my special scarf tighter, and get some rest. 

Be kind,

to yourself too

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

Feel your feelings

www.foxtaleskira.blogspot.com

 

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: be honest with yourself about your feelings and let yourself feel. You'll get through it. 

Today is moving day. We are leaving the house we have lived in for the last 14 years. It's our home. We are both happy to be moving into a great place. And we are also sad. I will miss my home, my neighbourhood, my short commute, my proximity to my uncles. 

(Notice the kitten hiding in the basket at the bottom of the photo ... like we would leave the little adorable vicious jerk love muffin behind ❤)

And we are starting our next adventure. 

I feel sad, excited, nostalgic, nervous, anxious, worried, happy, hopeful ... and it's okay. 

Feel your feelings today. Allow them. Own them. 

Be kind, to yourself too

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

 

Mending with community support

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: today, ask someone for some help. It can be something as simple as asking someone to open the door for you when your hands are full instead of juggling all your things and opening the door yourself. 

I believe that humans were meant to live together in communities, supporting each other by sharing resources and responsibilities. "Progress" and "development" have created this totally weird society where we live in stacked apartments and don't even know our neighbours. We get on elevators and stare straight ahead, pretending the other people aren't there. We have completely exhausted parents who either work all day and then come home to do a second full time job, OR, are at home all day doing the most important job in the world and STILL have to do all the things that need to be done. 

We are meant to need each other. 

We are meant to rely on each other. 

I didn't go to a public school until grade 7. Before that, I was schooled in a house with 40 other children. In that setting, we learned interdependence. Every morning, a group of children would bake or cook an afternoon snack. At the end of the day, we would come together, sit in a circle, and eat the snack that had been made for us by our peers. 

I learned the importance of taking care of the people in your community, whether or not they are people you know. Even if they are people you don't particularly like. 

Community fosters a sense of belonging. That feeling of belonging might just be the most important feeling of all. 

In order to belong, you need to rely on others. And you need to reach out to others. Life is its own special kind of asshole sometimes and getting help (or emotional support) from others is one way to be resilient. 

Mending means accepting that you were not meant to be responsible for everything. You were meant to help others and to DESERVE to receive help in return. 

Be kind,

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

The Lunar Eclipse, Elenor Rosevelt, and Neuropathways

I have been thinking a lot about parts of a psyche lately. My therapist often asks me what part of me is thinking/speaking/acting/reacting, or how old is the part of me that is thinking/acting/speaking/reacting. She asks me "who is that speaking?" And even though the question is almost as hard as "how do you feel?", (sorry NN) I've been using that idea to explore my reactions to daily events or life in general. And I've been watching my colleagues, students, (and yes, friends) to see how and when they have parts of them showing up. 

You can look at our parts as pieces of the puzzle that make us, us. 

I like to personify my parts because I believe they were developed at some point, for some reason. 

When the printer doesn't work, for example, I get frustrated, then panic, then cry. "I'll never be able to get the document I need. This sucks. Everything sucks. Nothing ever works! Why is the world against me? It's so unfair!!!" ... with a whole lot of work and guidance and support, I have learned to ask myself, "who is this? how old am I right now?"

Many times I am able to identify what part of my psyche is reacting. This then allows me to remember that I am 39 and that the printer is not the rock tumbler that broke when I was 10. It's just a printer. There are a lot of printers I could access. So what's REALLY wrong? 

Here are some of my parts:

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION:  today, pay attention to your reactions to things. Do they feel like your adult self reacting? Maybe it feels like an angry part or a scared part. Do you feel adult scared? Or do you feel 4 year old lost in the playground because you can't find your parents for a minute scared? 

I have had a theory for most of my adult life that no one actually matures past 12. I've had so many interactions with people where they behave like 12 year olds if you offend them in any way or have a disagreement with them. 

Now I think that my theory isn't entirely inaccurate. What was missing was the idea that we are made up of parts of ourselves. Parts that developed through what I feel like was an instinctive coping mechanism. Meaning, when something traumatic happened when you were 3, the feelings/thoughts/reactions started a neuropathway. (Note: "trauma" in this case doesn't necessarily mean something major) When I was 3 and it turned out that The Lunar Eclipse was in fact NOT a rock band, it certainly wasn't trauma in any true sense of the word. It was, however, a pivotal moment in how I first react to disappointment. The more I reacted to disappointment with a similar response, the stronger that neuropathway became. Continuing to react to disappointment like a 3 year old discovering that her parents wanted her to get up in the middle of the night to stare at the moon instead of a rock concert on the front lawn ... well that seems rather silly now that I am able to identify the parts. 

I am in no way an expert on neuroscience. I love it. I am passionate about brains. I'm also terrible with remembering the names of things. I managed to spectacularly fail a course in Neurobiology in the Fall. I think having a 0 is a pretty awesome accomplishment what with it being an online course and my access to google (totally didn't think of it until after the course was over). 

I know that psychology and all the ies that start with psych would have an explanation having to do with the psyche. But I'm stuck in my I-love-being-a-brain-nerd space right now and believe that mending ourselves requires exploring these parts created by events that formed neuropathways that we have reinforced over months, years, and even decades. 

What's amazing, if you haven't already read this 73 times in my writing, brains can be rewired. "Neurons that fire together, wire together." - Norman Doidge. The fact that you react to anger by throwing a chair can be rewired so that a feeling of anger leads you to take deep breaths, or have a kitchen dance party, or whatever non-harmful thing you can do to get the anger out of you. The more you do that, the stronger THAT neuropathway becomes and the old one just dies out. 

It is pretty fantastic that our brains are mailable. Instead of feeling like oh shit my neuropathway takes me from sad to pissed in 30 seconds ... you can celebrate the fact that being gentle and curious about yourself, you will start to think of new neuropathways you want to create. This is like taking control over what for a long time was thought of as uncontrollable. 

You are in charge of your emotions. 

I hate Eleanor Rosevelt's quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I completely and whole-heartedly DISAGREE. Anyone in a position of power or perceived power can absolutely make you feel inferior. Children don't have the capacity to follow that quote. I DON'T have that capacity!

If a society treats a particular demographic in a negative way, and those marginalized people are made to feel inferior through systemic processes and micro-aggressions, then their "consent" to feel shame is deeply ingrained. 

What I DO mean by "you are in charge of your emotions" is that our brains were not hard wired at birth. We weren't born knowing how to ride a bike or knowing how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism (nope, did not have to look that one up. I memorized it at 9). With dedication and perseverance, your brain can grow and change. You have the power to make that growth and change happen. 

Because, it's YOUR body, YOUR choice. 

Be kind,

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)

Letting Go

Welcome to day one of Mindfully Mending March! 

We all have parts of us that need mending. This month we will look at parts that need to be mended and how we can make small steps to heal ourselves from the inside 

MINDFUL MENDING SUGGESTION:

when you get into bed tonight, think of 3 things you feel grateful for. When you wake up tomorrow, think of those 3 things again (or 3 new things!). Pay attention to how being aware of gratitude makes you feel. 

I drew the hands releasing a butterfly for my friend's 50th birthday. You can interpret the image in whatever way fits for you; human hands, God, The Universe, fate, life, maybe even your own self. The idea behind the image for me was that an  entering of the next stage in your life involves letting go. 

It's 7:00 am on the first day of March. At the end of this month I will turn 40. 

For me, this month brings big changes. We are moving from our 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. This means downsizing the 2 spare bedrooms, basement, hallways, and backyard. How do you take 12 years of living in a big house and condense it to a small apartment? The process has involved letting go of things we don't need, but more importantly, things we have held onto. My childhood piano, gifts from friends when I was 15, the plastic cup from 7-11 that once every few months one of us decides we are so thirsty we need to use it ... 

There have been tears. And as each carload of donations pulls away from the house, a small weight is lifted off my shoulders. And I feel gratitude for the people who have come with cars to take bags and boxes of donations. Gratitude for the friends who have come over and packed with us. Gratitude for the friend who brought us Starbucks to give us warm friendship feelings as we headed into a full weekend of non-stop packing. 

Gratitude makes the hard things feel just a little bit easier. I am going to think of 3 things I am grateful for, before I start my day. 

1. The incredible friendships I have forged in my 30s. 
2. The unending love and support I receive.
3. My privilege to have access to this forum to share my art and writing.

I'm adding one more: chai lattes. I am eternally grateful for chai lattes. 

Be kind 

xo

*All images are property of Fox Tales Art

**All images are available for sale with profits going to www.sheenasplace.org 

Email foxtaleskira@gmail.com for inquiries and browse some options at 

www.etsy.com/ca/shop/FoxTalesByKira 

(Purchasing directly by email, even if the piece is on etsy, saves both of us money and can involve a negotiation in size and in price)