I have been thinking a lot about parts of a psyche lately. My therapist often asks me what part of me is thinking/speaking/acting/reacting, or how old is the part of me that is thinking/acting/speaking/reacting. She asks me "who is that speaking?" And even though the question is almost as hard as "how do you feel?", (sorry NN) I've been using that idea to explore my reactions to daily events or life in general. And I've been watching my colleagues, students, (and yes, friends) to see how and when they have parts of them showing up.
You can look at our parts as pieces of the puzzle that make us, us.
I like to personify my parts because I believe they were developed at some point, for some reason.
When the printer doesn't work, for example, I get frustrated, then panic, then cry. "I'll never be able to get the document I need. This sucks. Everything sucks. Nothing ever works! Why is the world against me? It's so unfair!!!" ... with a whole lot of work and guidance and support, I have learned to ask myself, "who is this? how old am I right now?"
Many times I am able to identify what part of my psyche is reacting. This then allows me to remember that I am 39 and that the printer is not the rock tumbler that broke when I was 10. It's just a printer. There are a lot of printers I could access. So what's REALLY wrong?
Here are some of my parts:
MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: today, pay attention to your reactions to things. Do they feel like your adult self reacting? Maybe it feels like an angry part or a scared part. Do you feel adult scared? Or do you feel 4 year old lost in the playground because you can't find your parents for a minute scared?
I have had a theory for most of my adult life that no one actually matures past 12. I've had so many interactions with people where they behave like 12 year olds if you offend them in any way or have a disagreement with them.
Now I think that my theory isn't entirely inaccurate. What was missing was the idea that we are made up of parts of ourselves. Parts that developed through what I feel like was an instinctive coping mechanism. Meaning, when something traumatic happened when you were 3, the feelings/thoughts/reactions started a neuropathway. (Note: "trauma" in this case doesn't necessarily mean something major) When I was 3 and it turned out that The Lunar Eclipse was in fact NOT a rock band, it certainly wasn't trauma in any true sense of the word. It was, however, a pivotal moment in how I first react to disappointment. The more I reacted to disappointment with a similar response, the stronger that neuropathway became. Continuing to react to disappointment like a 3 year old discovering that her parents wanted her to get up in the middle of the night to stare at the moon instead of a rock concert on the front lawn ... well that seems rather silly now that I am able to identify the parts.
I am in no way an expert on neuroscience. I love it. I am passionate about brains. I'm also terrible with remembering the names of things. I managed to spectacularly fail a course in Neurobiology in the Fall. I think having a 0 is a pretty awesome accomplishment what with it being an online course and my access to google (totally didn't think of it until after the course was over).
I know that psychology and all the ies that start with psych would have an explanation having to do with the psyche. But I'm stuck in my I-love-being-a-brain-nerd space right now and believe that mending ourselves requires exploring these parts created by events that formed neuropathways that we have reinforced over months, years, and even decades.
What's amazing, if you haven't already read this 73 times in my writing, brains can be rewired. "Neurons that fire together, wire together." - Norman Doidge. The fact that you react to anger by throwing a chair can be rewired so that a feeling of anger leads you to take deep breaths, or have a kitchen dance party, or whatever non-harmful thing you can do to get the anger out of you. The more you do that, the stronger THAT neuropathway becomes and the old one just dies out.
It is pretty fantastic that our brains are mailable. Instead of feeling like oh shit my neuropathway takes me from sad to pissed in 30 seconds ... you can celebrate the fact that being gentle and curious about yourself, you will start to think of new neuropathways you want to create. This is like taking control over what for a long time was thought of as uncontrollable.
You are in charge of your emotions.
I hate Eleanor Rosevelt's quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I completely and whole-heartedly DISAGREE. Anyone in a position of power or perceived power can absolutely make you feel inferior. Children don't have the capacity to follow that quote. I DON'T have that capacity!
If a society treats a particular demographic in a negative way, and those marginalized people are made to feel inferior through systemic processes and micro-aggressions, then their "consent" to feel shame is deeply ingrained.
What I DO mean by "you are in charge of your emotions" is that our brains were not hard wired at birth. We weren't born knowing how to ride a bike or knowing how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism (nope, did not have to look that one up. I memorized it at 9). With dedication and perseverance, your brain can grow and change. You have the power to make that growth and change happen.
Because, it's YOUR body, YOUR choice.
Be kind,
xo
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