Accept that you don't have to know to believe

MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: believe someone if they say they were wronged and allow them to tell you why. Even if it's possible that what they say happened didn't happen that way. And even if the manager of the bar comes over to your table to tell you that it was all a misunderstanding because obviously he's not racist seeing as he hires people of all races. 

Where do I even begin? 

My week has been such a gong show that my Thursday morning post didn't even get written until Thursday night. And now I'm writing my Friday morning post at 2am because I had this genius idea that since I haven't really slept in the last 10 days that it would a really great experiment to NOT take my medication that has a sedating effect because obviously that sedating effect is what is keeping me awake until 4am most days. 

I got up an hour ago and took said medication and am waiting to see if the above mentioned side effect of sedation will impact my ability to fall, and STAY, asleep. 

Back to the believe someone challenge ... I've always believed that if someone says they find something offensive, then it's offensive. If someone says that hurt, then it hurt. And if a Black woman announces loudly to a crowded restaurant "this establishment is racist. The bar tender called me a bitch. Enjoy your evening.", well something clearly harmed her. 

My gut told me to follow her out the door and ask her if she was okay. My gut also told me that it was freezing cold, I was in a tank top having loaned my sweater to my partner, and that my legs weren't working properly so I would never catch up with her. 

Following her announcement, it got uncomfortably quiet momentarily, followed  by a couple nervous giggles. Then the manager appeared and went table to table apologizing if our meals were disturbed by her or if we were effected in anyway and that she obviously misunderstood what had happened and had blamed it on her skin colour and that clearly he and his establishment were not racist because he hires people of "all kinds of races". This somehow led to him adding that he hires people of all genders and sexualities, depending on which table he was addressing. 

If I were queen of the world, things would have played out differently. If I were queen of the world, the manager would have come to each table and used a voice that didn't sound conspiratorial with a touch of that-woman-was-just-crazy-and-you-totally-get-that-I-didn't-do-anything-wrong tone. 

The manager would have come over and very quietly and professionally said "I'm sorry that your meal was disturbed, we will do everything we can to address the customer service issue that arose tonight."

Take some responsibility. Don't try to get your customers on your side against a woman whose interaction with you, we didn't even witness, by gossiping with each table. We don't need your version of the story. That is not compassionate or empathetic. 

There are a gazillion and 73 possibilities of what happened. Here are my top 5 guesses:

1. There was a miscommunication that led to an exchange of words and heated emotions. 
2. The woman faced micro-aggressions that white people don't perceive as racist and she called them on it. 
3. The woman had a bad day, had enough, and lost it (maybe she got a $60 parking ticket using her first ever accessible parking permit?). 
4. The woman was behaving like a jerk and the bartender was rude to her and she overreacted. 
5. The establishment has employees who have learned norms that include acts of racism because that's the world we live in today, and someone on staff did in fact call her a "bitch". 

It only took minutes for all the talking in the crowded restaurant to start up again. I could feel the laughter around the room relieving some of the initial surprise and discomfort. 

According to Google, "Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership." - Psychology Today Nov 17, 2010

Examples:

"Where are you from?"

"I don't see colour"

"I don't notice race"

"So you're Chinese right?"

"Why do you sound white?"

It's now 3 in the morning and 8 hours after the incident in the restaurant. And yet I'm still bothered by it. 

This very long story leads me back to my suggestion for today; if someone says they were wronged, then they were wronged. 

If your feelings get hurt, it doesn't matter if it was a miscommunication, a direct attack, or something whispered. They are your feelings. Only you know if you are hurt. 

There is nothing that saddens me more than the explaining away of someone else's experience. Not everyone experiences the same event in the same way. First, because we are different people with different lived experiences. Maybe in your circles, calling each other "bitch" was normalized and it became a term of endearment. Or maybe "bitch" was the word your parents used when they talked to you and about you. Second, the word "overreacting" is code for "oh my god you are ridiculous and overly sensitive calm down it was no big deal", which is code for "you don't matter. Your feelings are invalid. No one will believe you."

No two people are going to have identical reactions. For example if me and some guy went to our cars right now and we both discovered parking tickets on our vehicles, I'm imaging that he might swear, he might sigh, he might say "seriously?" He might even be pissed. I, on the other hand, might sigh and say "seriously?" ... and then start to cry uncontrollably and ask why the universe hates me so much and what I ever did to deserve fibromyalgia whose symptoms led to an accessible parking permit which led to a $60 parking ticket 12 hours ago that I am STILL thinking about. 

Our initial reactions to events are wired in our brains based on previous experiences. Like that guy in high school who every time you saw him your heart flipped and then 20 years later you run into him at 7-11 and your heart flips again and you leave wondering why you still have feelings for the guy whose name you never knew. You don't still have feelings, you have a neuropathway that trained your brain to make your heart flip whenever you saw whatshisface. 

So if a Black woman, who has no doubt had more than her share of racist experiences, says "that was racist", you better believe her. 

The woman at the restaurant tonight perceived her interaction as racism and reacted by choosing to stand up and state her pain, making her incredibly vulnerable. 

Do we know what happened? No. But I live my life by a code of kindness and compassion. And I live my life as an ally, meaning I don't pretend to have knowledge of what it is to exist as a Muslim in America, or as a transgender kid in Uganda, or as a Black Woman in Toronto ordering from a male white bar tender. 

Today's challenge is complicatedly simple: believe someone. Even if you disagree, believe them. You are on your own journey and haven't walked on their path. 

Be kind,

To yourself too 

xo

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