MINDFULLY MENDING MARCH SUGGESTION: try to do something that feels embarrassing or evokes shame.
I know that sounds hard. And weird. Why would you want to embarrass yourself? Why would you want to feel shame?
There is a big difference between embarrassment and shame. Being embarrassed is about something that you DO or DID. It is external. Like slipping on the ice and landing on your butt. Or farting in the elevator. Shame is internal. Shame is about how you feel about your self worth.
If my partner tells a story about something stupid I did, then I might feel embarrassed.
Shame is when someone makes you feel small, unimportant, bad.
Embarrassment causes the thought "I did something stupid." Shame causes the thought "I am stupid".
Today I faced both.
So here's the thing ... I am totally winning at NOT winning. In fact, I'm winning at not winning so well that I think I deserve a trophy. And a unicorn. Or a flying horse. Or a normal horse. Except where would I keep a horse. Maybe a photo of a horse. Or just a trophy. But I definitely deserve a trophy for having a week of not winning at all the things.
It's been a snafu week. One thing after another. Including, but not limited to, showing up for a doctor's appointment on Wednesday that was actually scheduled for Tuesday.
Today I went to apply for my accessible parking permit.
That might seem like a small thing. It's not. Applying for a permit that says I have a chronic illness that affects my body is in some ways validating. It means being recognized by a doctor and by the provincial government that my physical limitations are real. They are not imaginary. And I am believed.
It also brings up feelings of shame. That my body should work "properly". And that if it doesn't, I should just be able to suck it up. I should be able to walk from my car to wherever and ignore the shooting pains in my legs, the burning sensations in my feet, the pounding in my head, and the aching in my back. I don't "look sick".
There's also days where I CAN walk far distances. Walking is one of my favourite activities. In the warmer weather, I like to walk 10km along the Humber River. I love meeting my friend M to walk by the lake.
And other days, I can't.
Some days I feel my version of "good" and I'll walk really far and then suffer for a week afterwards with indescribable pain.
Applying for a permit that says that I have physical limitations evokes shame about me being "broken" or "defective".
And yet, I did it.
Then came the embarrassing part ... my feet and legs were aching and I was very late for an appointment that I thought was an hour later than it really was, after already showing up a day late for an earlier appointment. So I parked. I parked my car by a meter and didn't pay. I rushed off to my appointment, convinced that my car would be towed. And I was also convinced that I was being ridiculous and it was just my usual anxiety. I had a PERMIT on the dashboard for crying out loud, saying hey, this person needs to park close to the building where her appointment is!!
Guess what?
You can't just stop driving wherever you feel like it and leave your car there. Even with an accessible parking permit.
Okay, it didn't happen quite like that. I parked in a space that I thought was meter parking only I didn't see the "no standing" sign. I was one car length too far over and I got a $60 parking ticket.
The parking cop was right there and I approached her and told her that it was obviously my bad and my first day with the permit and could I please be shown where I CAN park.
I know it's only $60.
But this one thing caused shame and embarrassment all in one day.
And you know what? No one laughed at me. No one did anything except show me empathy.
I did something hard, then I made a mistake, and I lived. I lived through it.
Doing something embarrassing on purpose is just plain silly. Doing something that you need to do, despite it bringing up feelings of shame is liberating ... that gives you a sense of control over something you don't have control of. I can't make myself wake up tomorrow in an able body. I CAN put a permit on my dashboard that says hey, I need this, I've got this.
Being vulnerable is terrifying. It's also beautiful and freeing and takes away a piece of the shame. It opens up a world of empathy and compassion.
Be kind,
To yourself too
xo
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